So here's something you won't find anywhere but the Journal of Urology and 11 Points -- a list of the 11 most common ways Americans injure their genitalia.
- Clothing - 32.4% of all penis injuries and 8.7% of injuries overall. Two-thirds of these are There's Something About Mary-style zipper injuries. It's amazing that button flies never truly caught on. It seems shockingly barbaric that we still keep our genitalia within centimeters of a bunch of metal teeth just desperate to attack. And you've never heard of someone accidentally hurting themselves by buttoning his penis, right?
Another interesting stat in the "clothing" category: 3% of all injuries to the genitals were from footwear. I'm not sure if that includes kicks to the groin or not, but otherwise, how do 44 people every year go to the emergency room with footwear-related genital injuries?
- Toilet, shower and bathtub - 5.18% of injuries overall. The bathroom is one of the most dangerous rooms in the house for the genitalia. The researchers found that the primary toilet injuries happened from "a toilet seat crushing a man's penis or scrotum." I have no idea how the mechanics of that work -- how do you ever have your penis/scrotum at an angle where they're crushable? -- but it's enough to send more than 200 men to the hospital every year.
As for the bathtub and shower injuries, most are from hot water burns... but some are from people accidentally ramming into the faucet or handles.
- Razors, scissors, and hair clippers - 6.9% of injuries overall. Based on what I know from the adult films of the 1970s, I bet this is the fastest-growing category over the past three decades.
- Bathing products - 16.1% of all injuries to female genitalia and 4.8% of injuries overall. This mostly comes from irritation from the chemicals in soaps and shampoos. Although that can also happen from scrubbing too hard with a washcloth or loofah. Or accidentally overdosing on Nair.
- Furniture - 10.3% to testicles, 11.6% to female genitalia, and 9% overall. The majority of furniture injuries happen when someone either straddles a piece of furniture or tries to jump or step over a chair. Seriously, don't try to jump over a chair. Extract yourself from any competitive games of leapchair. About 500 people a year go to the hospital because they hurt their groins on the backs of chairs. That's 3.15% of genital injuries.
To read the rest of the list click link below: