Repealing Net Neutrality: People Will Die (Or Something Like That)

If you're wondering why you passed so many dead corpses laying on the side of the road while you drove to work this morning, that's just the repeal of net neutrality taking effect. It's official: according to the FCC, starting this morning there is no more net neutrality. 

Oh yeah, man, repealing net neutrality is basically going to kill millions of people. Watch.

Today 6,775 Americans are going to die.  

Some critics of net neutrality might reply to that statement by saying, "Yeah, but about 6,775 Americans die in this country every day," but those people just don't understand the importance of net neutrality.

In addition to killing everyone who couldn't run for shelter in time to dodge the giant net neutrality repeal-mechanism that sprays chem-trails all over America and kills everyone, you're also gonna see your ISP bill quadruple by the end of the day and quadruple again by the end of the week.

Do you currently pay about $200 a month for Internet, cable and a phone you don't use and didn't ask for?

Well, by the end of the month that bill will skyrocket to $7 trillion once every 30 days and you'll also be required to to sacrifice one of your children on an alter while the ISP overlords drink the blood of your first born in order to keep the service turned on.

I know, I know, this sounds pretty horrible, but President Obama tried to warn us - we need net neutrality or Twitter and Instagram will start charging a monthly fee, or something like that.

While many of you might think this is a far-fetched exaggeration, that's only because you're not woke enough to understand how net neutrality laws protect us from carbon pollution and the gender wage gap.

Now, if for some reason you get lucky and net neutrality deregulation doesn't kill you and everyone you know, don't get cocky. You're still very likely to die from tax reform or Neil Gorsuch's appointment to the Supreme Court. Everyday tax reform kills 5 million Americans and there's nothing we can do about it.

To quote the late Bill Paxton in the 1986 hit film Aliens, "Game over, man! Game over!"


This is what downtown New York looked like after Net Neutrality was officially repealed.  

Photo by Getty Images

The Pursuit of Happiness

The Pursuit of Happiness

Ken Webster Jr is a talk radio personality and producer from Houston, TX. He started his career in Chicago on the Mancow show and has since worked at dozens of radio stations all over the country. He’s currently the host of Pursuit of Happiness... Read more


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