Front Holes & Front Poles: People Are Idiots.

The good people at Healthline.com have provided what can possibly be considered one of the best guides to safe sex out there on the web.  It’s thoughtfully done.  It’s thorough.  It’s clear.  It’s illustrated.  You should have zero questions about how to have safe sex once you read this guide.

In fact, you should probably let your college student read it before they head off to the flesh pots of STD State University.  Especially the sections on consent and how to refer to genitalia.

It’s this latter section that I take issue with—what to call the genitalia.

When the writers at Healthline.com decided to approach this topic, they did so from a viewpoint that the current way sex education was being offered to the public was not inclusive enough.  In Healthline’s view, sex ed was geared primarily for cisgendered heterosexuals, and focused mainly on pregnancy prevention and the reduction of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs).

However, according to Healthline, lesbians, gays, asexuals, intersex, queer, and trans communities were being ignored.  So, to meet a need that they perceived, “they partnered with GLSEN and Advocates for Youth to ensure that this safe sex guide is aimed at understanding the nuanced, complex, and diverse gender identities, sexual orientation, attractions, and experiences that exist in our world, which vary across cultures and communities.”

In an effort to spare the feelings of men who decide to become simulacrums of women, this guide to safe sex will no longer use the word vagina.  Nope.  They choose to use the term “front hole”.

In fact, Healthline doesn’t stop at “front hole”, they change the term “genitalia” to “parts”.

“Front hole”?  “Parts”?  What are we, three?

“…the notion that a penis is exclusively a male body part and a vulva is exclusively a female body part is inaccurate. By using the word “parts” to talk about genitals and using medical terms for anatomy without attaching a gender to it, we become much more able to effectively discuss safe sex in a way that’s clear and inclusive.

For the purposes of this guide, we’ve chosen to include alternative words for readers to use for their genitals. For example, some trans men choose to use the words “front hole” or “internal genital” instead of “vagina.” Alternatively, some trans women may say “strapless” or “girl d***” for penis. This usage is meant for one-on-one communication with trusted persons, such as your doctor or partner, not for broad discussion.”

OK.  We are supposed to ignore biology and anatomy classes, and go back to the terms we giggled about when we were about five. 

Healthline couldn’t just be content with, as I mentioned earlier, a pretty comprehensive guide to safe sex.  Nope.  They had to politicize it by trying to be “inclusive”.  If they’re being so inclusive, why didn’t they refer to the penis as a “front pole”?

This reminds me of the scene in the brilliant Monty Python film, “Life of Brian”.  The rebels were getting together to try to figure out a response to Roman occupation.  Stan, Reg, Judith, and Francis are watching the gladiators when Judith poses the notion that “every Anti-Imperialist group must reflect a divergence of interests in its power base.”  What follows on is a perfect description of what has happened with the LGBTQIACMRPSNGOE%^&*() community.  It’s division upon division upon division until the descriptors become meaningless.

So, let your kids read this.  Tell them to mind what happens to their front holes or front poles, and to get consent for any kind of interaction in writing.

Always look on the bright side of life…I’m gonna go ahead and follow the shoe.

 

Sandra PetersonFollow me on Twitter @janevonmises

  Festival goers pose for photos with their phalluses shapes masks during the annual Kanamara Festival at Kanayama Shrine in Kawasaki on April 1, 2018, Kawasaki, Japan. The fertility festival, originated from prostitutes who wished to pray for good business and protection from sexually transmitted diseases, nowadays, festival goers celebrates for fertility, relationships and for safe sex practices. Attracted with Tens of thousands festival goers including tourist, people can buy penis shape candies, key chains, trinkets, pens, chocolates and even toy glasses with a plastic penis nose. (Photo: Richard Atrero de Guzman / NUR Photo) (Photo by Richard Atrero de Guzman/NurPhoto via Getty Images)

Festival goers pose for photos with their phalluses shapes masks  during the annual Kanamara Festival at Kanayama Shrine in Kawasaki on  April 1, 2018, Kawasaki, Japan. The fertility festival, originated from  prostitutes who wished to pray for good business and protection from  sexually transmitted diseases, nowadays, festival goers celebrates for  fertility, relationships and for safe sex practices. Attracted with Tens  of thousands festival goers including tourist, people can buy penis  shape candies, key chains, trinkets, pens, chocolates and even toy  glasses with a plastic penis nose. (Photo: Richard Atrero de Guzman /  NUR Photo) (Photo by Richard Atrero de Guzman/NurPhoto via Getty Images)

The Pursuit of Happiness

The Pursuit of Happiness

Ken Webster Jr is a talk radio personality and producer from Houston, TX. He started his career in Chicago on the Mancow show and has since worked at dozens of radio stations all over the country. He’s currently the host of Pursuit of Happiness... Read more

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